i am very good friends with this one boy.

such good, amazing friends.

i want to always be his friend. i want to always be close with him.

i think that if we ever stopped being friends, i would die.  i think that when we stop being friends, i will die. melodramatic, overdramatic, unrealistic, yes, but right now it's how i feel!


and, related or unrelated, there is a part of me that says that i want to date him!

i have felt like this for months.
i have been friends with this boy for years.

he is so precious to me. i will die once we graduate in 2010 and he goes to school in some far off place and i stay in georgia. i will fall to pieces, because we won't be friends anymore after that. he'll continue some life that doesn't include me in it and i will just stab my throat every day without him.



maybe i just want to date him so i can prolong our friendship, because maybe, just maybe, he'll reconsider going to school so far away from me and we can be friends longer. maybe this is some disgusting, extreme form of friendship.
if we date, at least i can have the excuse to be clingy with him and always be with him and wonder how he is and spend time with him and have him all to myself and glare at the other girls who like him. because, i mean, i already feel this way, obsessed and possessive and jealous and totally weak, but it'd be nice to have an excuse other than being his best friend.
or maybe i really do just always want to be with him. isn't that why we marry someone? to spend the rest of our lives with them? i know i want to spend the rest of my life with this guy, i just don't know where the line is between "romantically spend it" or "spend it because we're best friends"

because really, does that line even exist





this is dumb.
these are dumb feelings.
please make me not so scared.
i am terrified.

so i got this thing called a website

http://www.youre.alrig.ht/



ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

omg of montreal. !!!!!!!!!!!!
that was one great show.
fantastic.
happiness, et cetera, energy, head exploding.
though honestly next time i need to learn to research
the opening bands as well ):









oh man.


in other news, i think i finally figured out what i want to do in life! well, not really figured out, but i've come to realize that all of my good parts about me and all of my flaws and all of the things i like doing come down to communication. so, visual arts or something else i'm not sure, i know that in the future i'll be trying to help others directly through messages. it feels really really nice to figure out these kinds of things and to give purpose to my flaws.

a friend of mine told me, "i like your haircut. it looks like it's what your hair was made to do."

and that makes me really happy.
that's enough to make me feel like this haircut is one of the best things i've had in a while.


there is this girl in school
and i feel like, if we met, we'd be really good friends
is that bad? i'm judging her on how she looks.
we've made eye contact, so many times. so many.
but i don't think we'll ever meet. i can't conceive an actual "incident" where we'll be all "hi my name's dannielle" so it's just kind of silly.
maybe when we make eye contact she's secretly judging me and warning me, "don't make friends with me," but i'd like to think it is, "we should be friends one day," which is what i'm thinking.

oh well.

i tried these crazy things called b'loonies. they're those plastic balloons you blow out of a straw. CRAZY COOL!

so, considering i couldn't go on a romantic cute lovely seductive homecoming date with my ex boyfriend for homecoming, i called over some friends to come in formal wear anyway, and they stayed the night at my house.

it was really silly.

we walked out in dresses, suits, and all and walked over to the korean shopping center. we got some pizza there (korean pizza is crazy! we had potatoes all over one that we ordered, even stuffed into the crust!) then we kept walking along, and we passed by a haircut shop, and we just kind of thought...

yes.

and rushed in there.


so now i have a really, really short hair.


i'm not sure how i feel about it appearance wise, but i do like that i made the decision. it feels nice. it really doesn't look like the best haircut i've ever had though, not that i would know what that is anyway.

then afterwards, we just kind of went back to my house. we watched pan's labyrinth, played a couple games of munchkin, and then everyone but me and one female slept and we just talked for forever and we didn't sleep until she left.
it was pretty nice

i have just spent from twelve to eight catching up on sleep.
i like celebrating homecomings like this.

meanwhileihaveaboutfourhoursofhomeworklookingatme.

i'm single again


^________^

looking for friend who will listen to my stupid problems, not mind that my problems stem from me being a liar and a loser, not chastise me for it and say that it's okay for me to lie, and still somehow be a good person and a good friend.

i found it.
it is my mother.

i have had a boyfriend for close to a week now.

i feel kind of bad for him. i'm not trying to say, "oh i'm so different from everyone else," but it hasn't been a "let's hold hands and giggle and think of each other a lot" kind of thing. at least not for me. it just hasn't seemed natural for me to think of him any more than i used to. my friend and i were talking and she was trying to tease me, "hey when you listen to love songs, i bet you think of a certain someone," and i just kind of blankly blinked (blinked blankly?), "no, not really, i don't really think of my boyfriend when i hear the word 'love' or whatever."
our conversations usually turn into one person asks something, the other asks something else. although i ask what i sincerely am curious about, i can tell that i'm not asking the right questions. he asks me, "what was your first kiss like" or "what is your kind of guy," and i ask, "describe your home for me in five words" or "what do you like about society."
also in this gargantuan week, a girl messaged me on facebook with very angry complaints of me dating my boyfriend, and so i had to deal with that. all i could do was tell my boyfriend about it and also tell him to not do anything but just listen. the whole ordeal ended up resolving after i kept talking to the girl for a little bit, but i feel awful that he had to put up with that so soon.

however, my boyfriend has told me that i've helped him think about a lot of things in different ways in just one week of talking, and that he's learned about a lot of different points of view, and in the end, that's something i want to teach anyone and everyone, so it makes me happy that i did that and can do that.


in other news, i do not mean to so outwardly obsess over of montreal, but i'm trying to so i can fully enjoy the concert!! i am listening to them right now, and it makes me want to have a picnic in a tuxedo.

 ( obligatory update of an unfinished art piece )

on thursday i volunteered to facepaint at an ice cream parlor while they offered one free scoop of ice cream to people to promote make-a-wish foundation. it went alright, except that i didn't have the heart to ask the little kids i face painted for donations (because i was supposed to charge a dollar for each face) and i ended up just counting the kids i painted and paying myself, which is kind of lame because now i'm broke (but not really because my parents just gave me money, i just like complaining.)

on friday i went on a really fun field trip. because of gas shortages, the school didn't provide school buses for classes to use on field trips, so the four crazy art teachers rented buses for the day and drove the buses themselves, which is amazing because they're all eccentric old ladies. it has been a long time since i've been with friends and i felt at ease.

on saturday i actually went over to a friend's house. it was nice because it felt the same as friday: at ease and not strained.

on sunday, i was asked out by a boy i have been interested in. silly, silly, life is silly, insertsmallchucklehere.




i have just found on youtube: of montreal covering david bowie's starman. life is so amazing. i'd like to think that if love were a person, it would be david bowie.

ahhhhh.

 i really like cloud cult. i would like to be very good friends with someone who looked like cloud cult in physical form, if that ever happened.

i basically spend my days thinking about things like this.

 my new art assignment is "16 x 20 canvas board. must have elements of collage and have a picture of yourself layered on. must have symbolism"

and i have no idea what to do.

 i went to my first concert today! my friend drove me downtown and we hung around for a bit in the downtown area with its nice clothing stores~ and nice record stores~ and i'm way too poor to even touch those places ): but it was nice to be in that environment. i like the suburbs a lot, but downtown is okay as long as there are not too many people and the weather doesn't suck that much. 

we stopped by to get some pizza (at a place called SAVAGE PIZZA and the joint was decorated with comic book memorabilia) and then when we got to the venue there were some people trying to promote choke the movie by handing out merchandise so my friend and i got into some of the right time. we entered the building an hour before the show was supposed to start, but that was awesome because we ended up standing right at the front. if my arms were longer i could have probably touched one of the guitarist's feet, but i had to settle for touching his water bottle instead. the opening band had this crazy asian boy with long skinny legs and he started doing a weird skanking-emo-peacock-hybrid dance and it actually looked really silly-awesome, so i would like to steal it sometime.

oh, and of course the actual show was wonderful.

mogwai!
listening to music live is so wonderful. there is such a higher quality of sound than what can be heard on a cd. because i am a loser, i will relate this experience in terms of visual art. seeing mogwai play live was like seeing a painting in a museum in real life. each riff introduced felt like actually applying a layer of newsprint to collage onto a canvas and painting over it with thick paint, and each chord felt like their fingers were cutting right onto the art piece and scratching off some paint.

it was really nice.

i wish visual art could deal with the dimension of time, sometimes.



(oh, if you're curious as to what mogwai actually sounds like, it's a post rock instrumental group, kind of like explosions in the sky)


okay i am tired i am sorry that this post sucks thanks

curiously angsty >>> so i'm part of improv club. you know, a club at school where a bunch of people watch other people volunteer to do improvisation games like on whose line is it anyway among other fun activities. i'm generally there to watch, but i'm also confident enough to volunteer when i want to. on friday it was weird though. i had felt really tired the whole day and was really zoned out by the time that the club started afterschool, and i was just really drained of energy to laugh or respond or anything. and then they asked for volunteers to play the next game, and i just automatically responded, "hey i think i'm pretty okay at this one i'll give it a try." and then i stood up there and the game began and i barely recognized that i was supposed to be paying attention and being funny in front of anyone when i really just forgot what i was doing there in the school still so after i blinked a little bit i sang, "i'm under the seeeeeeeeaaAAAAA" and then pulled out my phone as if someone called me and then left. i'm a really cool person. and then i started walking home but then i realized that i left my purse and bag in the school so i waited around outside for a bit. why am i bothering to type this? i just thought it was really amusing that i would ever react like this. i didn't think it was possible.

confusingly optimistic >>> art class is really fun! we're starting our first project: do a drawing that shows good rendering skills on the subject of eggs. i am excited.

so many good playlists of mine have been created through the wonders of the shuffle feature on winamp. i think a good succession of songs that transition so wonderfully with one another is god's way of telling me he likes me, and it makes me really happy. who knew tmbg would sound so good after iron&wine?!

i've started to try to make introspective conversation to my mother to help her know what kind of person i am, but i don't think i'm very good at it. the things we have talked about in the past two days include, "mom i don't think i want to go to college i think i want to go to kenya or something instead" "mom i hope i don't end up being selfish" "mom i don't think i want to get married but i want children can i do that" "do i have aids??????" "mom can you give me a haircut"

curling up in blankets and closing my eyes and thinking about sad things makes me feel really really nice and i wonder if it's a selfish feeling

1) someone mentioned to me that it looked like i didn't straighten my hair that well today.
2) i had a good day. i chose to talk and laugh with my best friend instead of be sour in the morning and i told him some of my thoughts and i learned a lot about roman history and i feel good about my art for once and i didn't fall asleep in math class like i thought i would because i tried really hard to stay awake and found out that drinking out of a water bottle helps that and someone helped me bullshit some homework that i would have failed otherwise and i failed a test but that's okay because i knew i would fail it and my lab partner is a lot quirkier-in-a-good-way than i thought she was as long as i keep making jokes too and then i spent the afternoon with these two boys from anime club whom i thought were obnoxious and anime-obsessed but ended up being pretty okay and i didn't have to act silly or out of character to make them laugh with me and we just talked about everything that didn't have to do with anime and then i made friends with some stranger black girls we saw walking down the street who said hi to us and then one boy told me that i was a good person and then when i walked home i decided to think about how the rain gives the sidewalks a really nice texture and so when i went home i stole my brother's camera and took pictures of them and the trees and the powerlines and a little chinese boy named albert who lives next door.





one of these things matters more to me than the other.
celebration goes here.



note to self: when writing in journal, must mention how my walk home smells.

i don't find "laying here forgetting the world with you" or whatever to be particularly romantic.


in fact, i find it to be a terrible thing.


dating is becoming a less and less appealing thing to me.


i don't want a job just because i'm good at it.

yesterday. i had made plans to see a couple of my friends i haven't seen for a while and to meet up on friday. my brother didn't feel like driving me, and so i didn't go.